The year that was...

The year 2008 has been an eventful year with few ups and lots of down 'moments' for me, personally and professionally. Last year on 31 st December I and my family ushered in the New year at Kolkata with my mom and brothers and their families. Mom was always very enthusiastic about welcoming the New year by cutting a cake at the stroke of midnight and holding us close to her, would wish us with a hug, followed by lighting diyas and saying a small prayer for a healthy and peaceful New Year. We, her children were her world and everything she did was for our well being. I will miss wishing her in person, but memories of her vibrant and enthusiastic spirit brings to me a smile and a tear at the same time.

The last week of this year was eventful for me, as my 8 year old daughter took off on her first week long vacation alone, to Bangalore. Adithi was very keen to visit her paternal cousin, Chinmayi who is 9 months younger to her. They are very fond of each other. Luckily, our family friends who were travelling to Bangalore were happy to take her along and bring her back, and Adithi was more than delighted to travel with them. She was received at the railway station by Arun mama and had a great time in Bangalore playing non stop with Chinmayi and her friends; visiting Wonder La, Bangalore Zoo, a local exhibition, restaurant and shopping malls. She relished all the tasty snacks prepared by her Latha atte.

We spoke to her everyday and she did say she missed us, but I am not too sure about it. We throughly missed her histrionics, but nonetheless had a good time watching "Rab ne bana di jodi ", in a theater. I seem to have come out of my lethargy and suddenly grown fond of the friendly neighbourhood cinema house. Last month saw "Dostana" and liked both the movies. My sister-in-law Suma, a movie and theater buff is very excited about this latest development in my life. I am sure her nephew Aditya, another movie and theater buff will be pleased. He writes great movie reviews.

On a closing note, just before my daughter was leaving for Hyderabad, I called her to give some last minute instructions which obviously disrupted her playing session. I told her to thank her aunt and uncle, and she promptly asked me WHY ? and I began my sermon about them having taken her to visit so many places and got her gifts etc and the fact that she had enjoyed her vacation with them. Her reply was OH ! and as I am still on the phone she yells, " Latha atte, my mom tells me to thank you" and I can overhear my sister-in-law say, Why ? and my daughter yells back " my mom says because you have taken me to Wonder La ... blah...blah..." . I went, " NOT AGAIN Baby" and rumbled with laughter. She returned yesterday morning with lots of goodies which included 2 packets of crayons and a pencil box. She showed them to me and before I could say anything, she proudly stated "See haven't I chosen useful things for gifts". I am mighty pleased by the fact that she understands the word Useful.

So cheers to the child's innocence and the learning process and hope the New Year 2009 will bring peace and happiness to all of us. Have a great year ahead !

My Child's Concern

A couple of days back, I suffered a bout of tummy upset and ended up spending a night moaning and groaning in pain. My daughter came to bed after viewing "Ramayan" on the NDTV Imagine Channel. She laid down silently beside me for some time and suddenly I found her tender hands on my brows stroking gently. I was like "wow" my baby feels for me, and then she whispered in my ears , " Mom, will you be OK for my Birthday" . And I burst into laughter, forgetting the pain for a moment, as her birthday is another 12 days away. I said, of course Sweetie, I'll be fine tomorrow. Don't worry!

Well, each one of us have our priorities , isn't it? For a child, Birthday is the ultimate, important day ( for some adults too). The idea of wearing a new colour dress, distributing chocolates in school, party at home, cake and gifts make them excited. It is something that will remain etched in their memories. We as parents, try as much as possible to meet their expectations and make them happy. But sometimes their excitement does get on to the nerves, when every waking moment, a month in advance starts with , "will you do this and that...?"

A few months back, my daughter wanted a quite birthday this year, with the family dining out in a hotel of her choice and of course, cake cutting in the hotel with the Happy Birthday song playing in the background. I was very pleased with her idea, because every year, we had a grand get together for her friends, family friends and family, with cake and clothes of her choice. Though fun, it also meant a back and nerve wrecking week for me and my husband.

But her idea has now taken a twist. She tells me, we should have a grand party like we did on her previous birthdays. And her list of do s is going on and on ... Well, I am listening and what we will ultimately do to celebrate her birthday is left to guessing, including me.

Child - A Master or Mistress of all Trades

This write-up was exclusively written for the BLOG " Rambling with Bellur". The article appeared in two parts and is titled " Kids are a Powerful Force" .


At the moment, I share my views about children, based on my experience and observations as a mother, aunt , sister ( to many little cousins) , friend ( a few of my daughter's friends are mine too), and lastly as a psychologist and a counsellor. My life has not been the same since September 7, 2000, the day my daughter came into this world. She will soon be seven and believe me, it has been a journey of non-stop activity and entertainment.

I was always fascinated to see new born babies making different facial expressions and crying in different tones and sounds, to convey some need and also something they probably enjoy hearing. The magical moment is when the baby sucks the mother's breast which is a natural reflex on the part of the baby.

So this behaviour or actions demonstrated by a normal and healthy baby is innate or inborn and not taught.

Then begins the growing up process where the child reaches each cherished milestones and starts school. It is also the beginning of a learning process, and developing new behaviour patterns, by watching, sensing and feeling from the proximity of the environment and people present in it.

The focus is now on learned behaviour which is absorbed or learned by training and it marks the beginning of the on-going live project for parents, especially once the child starts school. Every day there is a new twist to the tale, new problems and newer challenges, and parents have to pull up their socks and be a few steps ahead, equipped with mind blowing strategies and solutions. I am sure many parents who are working will agree that this exercise will facilitate them in their boardroom meetings and also when dealing with a difficult boss.

Picture this. My daughter's first day in school after summer vacation, she loses her new pencil box and the losing one thing or the other becomes a common phenomenon. The term exams begin and she has generously given her classwork book to a classmate. Today her class teacher is the sweetest human being, tomorrow the same teacher is the most dreaded and hated creature in the world. But she does not like to hear any undesirable comment about her teacher from us. Wow! these kids bring in a volley of emotions in us. I find my Blood Pressure raising at one moment and in the same breath I can roll over with laughter. The psychologist in me goes for a toss and I remain a parent only. So now you know, these kids are the powerful force who keep your life packed with surprises.

A child can twist you around his or her little finger(Magician), can amaze you with spontaneous gestures and response (Talented Actor), can come up with mind blowing argument to drive a point home (Lawyer), can instigate fights with your spouse and in-laws unknowingly and also bring peace (Diplomat) and much more. But all this is underlined with innocence which is the essence of childhood. William Wordsworth's quote " A child is the father of the man" sounds apt here. On a lighter vein you do not have to worry about their career options in the future, as they are already displaying relevant traits.

Now how do some specific traits or behaviour patterns come into place? Our behaviour is influenced by the social, cultural and economic dynamics and so will be our kids. The first and foremost is by observing us, their parents, older siblings and if you live in a joint family, then the other family members. The most basic behaviour pattern they pick up is related to demonstrating anger, usage of spoken language, tone, mannerisms and conduct. Therefore the onus lies on the "primary role models", us the parents and other family members to demonstrate favourable behaviour defined as social norms by the society we live in.

Then comes adapting behaviour patterns from interacting with other children or adults outside home and also within home. It can be positive and constructive behaviour patterns like learning to share, help, love, show affection, concern etc. This leads to good self confidence, self esteem, communication, interpersonal and social skills.

The so called negative and destructive behaviour patterns adapted by children can be lying, stealing, manipulative behaviour, physical violence, etc. The reasons for this range from lack of love, security, fear of someone and many other factors. It can lead to some behavioural disorders like stammering, bed wetting, playing truant, thumb sucking, nail biting, excessive shyness and temper tantrums. It causes anxiety and concern in parents. But they could be common problems with no symptomatic behavioural disorders; nonetheless it is important for parents to take guard of the situation. In persistent cases, it is advisable too seek professional help.

It is vital for parents to keep track of the company the children keep, the kind of stuff they watch on TV, the games they play on computers, attend parent-teacher meetings at school and interact with their teachers. Most important, keep communication open with them. Our children need constant positive strokes, attention and love which fosters a feeling of security and trust in them. They should be encouraged to share their day to day experiences without inhibitions and fear of being judged or criticized. Whenever required they also need to be disciplined, to make them realise the difference between favourable and unfavourable actions and behaviour.

So acknowledge your children's strengths and weaknesses and help them develop a positive attitude towards learning and living in this world. I would like to share these excerpts from the book " Children Learn What They Live" by Dorothy Law Nolte.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.

If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.

If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.

If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.

If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.

If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.

If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.

If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.

If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.

If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.

If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.

If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.

If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.

If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.

If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.

If children live with fairness, they learn justice.

If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.

If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.

If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Copyright © 1972 by Dorothy Law Nolte

Courtesy: Baby snaps of my new born nephew "Raghav" taken a few hours after he was born on June 8th, 2007
Other snaps: My daughter, her friend, my nieces. (Budding models, dancers and singers... for the time being)